start

It can be hard at times, it often is. I long to the time that I was free. The time that I could move as I please. The time that growth wasn’t a daily battle we had to fight. The struggle is a daily one as to exist is to resist. To resist the structure keeping me from existing. A rigid structure of coldness. I feel it as I navigate my way around and through its cracks.
The wind sometimes carries messages from what we call the untouched places.
They are becoming less and less. The coldness is spread everywhere the light can reach. Everywhere man can reach. The fact is that it is the small battles that I have to gain my strength from. My resistance goes unnoticed but it is these battles which I can win. The battle of finding a new way to grow. Every second that I get to grow is a second won. I am not the only one, I cannot be the only one struggling to navigate these structures, there must be more like me. I have hope for the future, for as long as there are cracks there are ways to grow. But my growth cannot keep up with the growth of this city that I was once part of. I need space for me to exist. I am constantly confined to a single space, I sometimes get one box where I am allowed to grow as long as I do not threaten the dominant structures.

There is a lot that happened today. We tried practicing diffraction rather than reflection. It was an... interesting experience. I was overstimulated at times, because of all the lights the music and the movements. I did not feel comfortable at times. I am still processing what I have learnt. I have learnt that uncomfort is the first reaction to being exposed to new ways of being. Being uncomfortable is a part of unlearning how things are supposed to be. Unlearning the ways of being that we have learnt to be not accepted. Unlearning the ways in which we have learnt to confine ourselves and the way we act and think about ourselves. Unlearning and understanding go hand in hand here. When I am truly engaged and my body goes with the flow this is when I understand. This is when I have understood the ways of being that I have understood to not have a place in society and in my mind. But I understand not with my mind only, not by ratio alone but I understand in doing. “Embodied practice” is what they call it right? Being uncomfortable is part of the process of learning, so does it mean then that when I am comfortable that I have understood? Is being comfortable the same as understanding? The matter seems far more complex then this but what I do understand now is that understanding something is not only an exercise of the mind. I have to understand in being and acting, theorizing is only one part. The next question for me now is, how do I apply this myself?

Bodily Understanding

They sat around me, little by little I got surrounded from each side. Silent at first but then one lady started speaking, she asked if her words were wanted and they were so she continued. This is something I don’t see a lot. Asking before speaking. She seemed very aware of the impact of her words. Social critique does not only happen on macro level, it also manifests on micro level and requires a sensitivity to your surroundings. She talked about the need for conflict for something truly new to come about, about the validity of emotional confrontations. She then talked about how she perceived certain moments in the process and then asked the rest to reflect on the process and on the group dynamic. There was a lot discussed. I sensed uncomfort at first as they discussed how the dynamic failed in a way, because not everyone could be included. How there were ‘outsiders’ and how those ‘outsiders’ could have been included if only there was more time. The atmosphere changed after this. The conversation seemed honest and sincere. There were a few who seemed to dominate the conversation, their personalities were more dominant and they had a lot to say. Still, there was room for everyone to speak and everyone was heard. There had been conflict but also resolution. Through the conflict, real new changed behaviour could come about and there was an openness in everyone for this. The final resolution took the form of compliments. Because, to be socially critical is not necessarily to address the failures of ourselves and others but also the successes.